bilenski

bilenski

Procrastination gets a bad rap

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(no subject)	[Apr. 26th, 2009\|11:52 pm]
Some kind of god rolled me a cigarette and told me that suicide was ritualistic and highly common because every time I open my mouth I kick myself in the teeth I think maybe a slender death would slow me down maybe that slick devil kicking my frontal lobe is right maybe I should stop thinking so much and let some halos seize me. My love is like a tattooed cross hair, it's going to cost you a lot more to remove it than what it took me to put it there and though you tremble like you're bound for bullets it's hard to shake. It's hard to shake me. Though I scare easy, it's hard for me to shake. It's difficult to come to tears I beg for them, I miss the way they taste sometimes, but somebody took 'em out into the woods and shot 'em I wonder if they had tears too So I mechanize my depression just like this cigarettes mother All cogs and coping Hydraulics and hoping That the facade is a facade and that which could not be real is realized... My brain is battling, it's sections are at war I am handling it with smokes from god.
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It's 30/30 I figured I'll post something

[Apr. 16th, 2009|02:13 pm]

Well, I wrote a new song last night, it's waltzy and little heavy on the Clem Snide influence. If you dig that description, you might dig the song. Anyway, here's the lyrics it's called Wolf Bane Waltz:

Well the angels were ashin’ their cigarette butts

And stirrin’ up earthquake weather to shake off their shirts

Shuddering new islands from the coast of Maine

With new ocean orchids and seaweed wolfs bane

That we used for the sutures

To stitch our sinews

Hot like a basket

Full of old fruit

And the lamp shade’s in cahoots with the sofa

your starlight hips your quivering smile

Tonight I am melting in the west end of Oregon

With the shadowed corners of your folding bones

Home again Home again

In your breast plate

And the angels are comin’ up bubkis

Flabbergahst aghast by water like skin

While our muscles bloomed and exploded

And purple petals coated square blocks

How we loomed for a moment

To whisper goodbye

When a breeze bound for boston

Hugged us to heights

Home again Home again

In your breast plate

And the angels were ashin’ their cigarettes

But now we never seem to mind it

Feel like subjecting your ears to it? www.myspace.com/doesntrhymegood

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You think you earned anything I gave you?	[Feb. 10th, 2009\|06:25 pm]
You still had the nerve to ask for more.
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Year end first sentence from each month gobbeldy gook	[Jan. 1st, 2009\|01:31 pm]
January My head is a boat that sails a river of guilt, recently I've become what women who do not care to understand would call an asshole. February I was going to write something artistic but then I was distracted so here's some bare bones. March I think that only god knows if there is no god and maybe you know differently April May Allow enough time for this sand to collect in your bones and the rip tide will tear you under, that's for sure. June I WILL be playing a show on the 28th with Tom Morrello (of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave) as the headliner. July August This place is a sham, my belief system is unstructured and juvenile. I was supposed to do great things, everyone had said so, I'm beginning to think everyone had me figured wrong. September I am f'in terrified of airport operators from now on. October My anorexic shadow stands still in the doorway, it's knee bones bending in the floodlights no love above them keeping eight kisses in their feet for only the road. November Give me the ghost and act like you've earned it send out your teeth in waves my broken body was always met with meek apologies but somehow you've found a way to hurt more stylishly. December Happiness waltzed in the door, like I knew it would. 2008 was an strange year.
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Happiness	[Dec. 18th, 2008\|06:38 pm]
Waltzed in the door like I knew it would. Oh how it feels fine to prove people wrong for once. I'm glowing white enough to melt this New Hampshire blizzard as it hits. Grab life by the throat or it will grab yours.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 19th, 2008\|01:42 pm]
The wild north is wonderful, if not just a little wet. The fog comes through the trees like ghosts and tells me "no matter what happens, you still made the trip home." This place feels so welcoming, and I am happy to feel it's wooded arms again.
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(no subject)	[Nov. 3rd, 2008\|07:00 pm]
Give me the ghost and act like you've earned it send out your teeth in waves my broken body was always met with meek appologies but somehow you've found a way to hurt more stylishly. You see the door only opens so far before you trigger the spring and the catch is that the release will be abrupt. It must be cold up there on that pedastal I keep my feet warm here in hell but I've grown so fond of these like minded demons so I guess you best find yourself an angel.
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(no subject)	[Oct. 29th, 2008\|06:44 pm]
I carried too much on my shoulders for too long, I am not going to fight for friends, I am not going to put myself out there. If you think I am a bad person for wanting something for myself, for wanting to move forward, if you want to call me selfish for this then I want to ask you where you were all the times I was the absolute antithesis. I have been too kind for far too long, I gave every bit of myself and if now that I need something back you want to call me the asshole, then so be it. Don't call me, write me, think of me if even one ounce of you ignorantly assumes that I am not an upstanding person.
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Call me the asshole	[Oct. 26th, 2008\|03:32 am]
I made this decision for myself. Don't even pretend like I didn't deserve to make it, pretender, betrayer, backstabber, all of these adjectives directly applicable to yourself, do not point the finger without recognizing the three that point back. If they cannot see me through your death threats and cowardice than so be it, I refuse to be the crutch, I refuse to be the scape goat, I refuse to be the reusable needle. My promises were never appreciated so why keep pain to linger? Why accept love when none is reciprocated? Am I the monster? Look deep. Look deep and know that I am proper and standing upright, more well spoken and more deeply wronged, more righteous and less petty. Tell your friends what you want, if they cannot see me through, then I do not need them.
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(no subject)	[Oct. 16th, 2008\|02:34 am]
My anorexic shadow stands still in the doorway, it's knee bones bending in the floodlights no love above them keeping eight kisses in their feet for only the road. I am snapping like a flint stone now, like the dew grass is on fire, like I'm waking up on an alien planet that feels somehow nostalgic and sevens suns give seven beams of quiet and stillness. This cigarette is quiet and still, I am quiet and still, and the world spins six inches underneath I slap against the lawn chairs and my ankles break in slow motion. I am passing over five love affairs counting and recounting calling them into question and defying the laws of chemistry severing atoms from hair follicles and lighting the atmosphere with them moving faster, perpetually faster. The ocean tastes so good I could just drown in it, the moon is so bright it could blind and the air feels upside down, my face twists and my lungs wretch and four sweaters leap from throat dilating and pulsing into every color, every thread untangles nooses and tangles again, until all the salt and all the cold has stiffened them into unrecognizable shapes and they fall to the depths. Here I found three mouths who had teeth like tigers and love enough to spare until they spat myth in harmony, I found it beautiful and shut my guitar in the cupboard when they busted the kitchen to bits, they never found strings in the rubble because it belonged in heaven, or maybe in hell. In either case I followed it still frozen, still broken, but not sullen and the last two setting suns found me down the damn hole. Then one man became absolutely nothing.
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I'm not afraid to fly	[Sep. 14th, 2008\|06:20 pm]
But I am f'in terrified of airport operators from now. 24 hours I sat on a phone for 15 - 30 minutes perpetually being hung up on. I was supposed to leave New Jersey this past Saturday, now, thanks to the inefficency and general laziness of Continental airlines the only way I can get home in a timely fashion without spending $700 extra is to wait until thursday. Thank you airlines for extending my trip four and a half days, my father has to work my grandma has to work, I am stuck inside in New Jersey where I know no one watching TV until I can finally get a chance to go home. My advice? Lets all fly less, start taking ground transport, airlines have eliminated direct flights and have stopped accomidating people in any way shape or form, until a secondary fuel source is issued/discovered the problem will just get worse and worse. I miss her too much to be trapped here for this long.
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Tonight better be awesome... that's all I'm sayin'	[Aug. 29th, 2008\|07:42 pm]
Listen up world, this means you too Jesus, get your nose out of that god damn gameboy or I'm confiscating it. I know you think it's hilarious to mar important milestones in my life, like 2 years ago when you helped everyone to forget I was getting older, that was awesome. When I turned 20 you got a little more hip to my jazz, but hey I'm passing two decades in a few hours and I swear if you fuck this up even a little bit I'm becoming a solipsist. That's right, no faith in anything if this birthday doesn't at least meet my standards. I'll turn to drugs, I'll stop writing music, I'll make even more empty threats, I'll start kicking trees and giving toddlers dirty looks, I'll speed on residential streets, I'll intentionally bump parked cars, I'll spread so much unnecessary annoyance you'll choke on it. I HAVE FISTS THAT SWING AND SARCASM THAT CUTS DON'T FUCK WITH ME UNIVERSE.
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Begin counting the seconds now	[Aug. 29th, 2008\|01:30 pm]
37,800 seconds and I'll be 21.
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Functioning Now	[Aug. 23rd, 2008\|05:30 pm]
Rise from the grave of your long better days long ago since they died wipe the dirt from your sides Rise from your sleep and wiggle your teeth check over your heart for a break or back beat and the smell of formaldahyde will tear up your eyes and the old broken bones hit the pyre you've grown stronger than all that So we crept through the neighborhood so silently making shadows in streetlights like memorable scenes we we're hunting for families that we could call home to make windowless children with bright burning songs but we're finally functioning now gripping hard for new memories we are finally functioning now you're the rosebud that grew on dead tree and the smell of formaldahyde will tear up your eyes and the old broken bones hit the pyre you've grown stronger than all that
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My life is a funny joke everyone gets but me.	[Aug. 7th, 2008\|02:08 am]
This place is a sham, my belief system is unstructured and juvenile. I was supposed to do great things, everyone had said so, I'm beginning to think everyone had me figured wrong. I can't work, I'm too caught in balancing these plates and wanting love to be real so badly, and don't tell me you think it is or it isn't because I seriously doubt anyone still holds it to my standards at my age and with my experience in the field, and my experience is none. Nothing works, no one has ever loved me the way I want to. I want a breath I know I'll never take even if it was offered to me. It must look tragic how recklessly optimistic I can be sometimes, but no one understands that it's not a choice, it's a hardwiring, a genetic code, and I can hold through the most vicious of pains, my full limits haven't even come close to being tested I'm sure. Maybe this is the wrong way to go about it, maybe I'm the only right person left, but I'd lift my hopes in permanent midnight and keep them there until dawn never broke.
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Writer's Block: In the Event of a Zombie Emergency

[Jul. 29th, 2008|07:28 pm]

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writer's block

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Are you prepared for a zombie outbreak, or are you just going to wing it?

View 500 Answers

I'm not even going to grace this with an answer. If anyone asked me this I would ask them why a stranger would ever ask me such a weird question, because anyone who knows me knows that I am more than prepared.

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My brain cracked and a fluid ran out	[Jul. 21st, 2008\|09:29 pm]
As the old saying goes, I'd rather be lucky than good any day. This is the key ingredient to love I've discovered, it doesn't matter the league he or she is in or how far their other is out of their prospective partners, meet at just the right time and the hooks will sink deep. You can't prepare for timing, not effectively, just as the worlds most skilled poker player will run into a player who always gets the cards he needs, life is a perpetual gamble and miraculous things are miraculously overlooked everyday. That you feel the way you feel today is the product of thousands of tiny tumblers clicking just so. That you ever meet a special someone is a one in a billion anomaly, that your seed survived to produce your birth is amazing, that your parents met is phenomenal, that your parents were born is a wonder, and so on and so forth connecting you to a history of billions of bright burning fascinations. Just because something happens the same way each time every day doesn't mean that event isn't threading a needle through an infinite number of variables every second. The universe is a series of overwhelmingly brilliant flashes of light forever changing until it changes no longer, if it ever stops. I cannot help but feel small, but we get by and busy ourselves by rolling dice and attempting to establish fact in a world that is pure theory. I find the futility of our plight as a collection of animals the most seductive thing about us, where as most would yield to the knife we push it through our palms for the sake of progress and discovery, inventing things that have more than probably existed before in some form somewhere. Creating gods and monsters and then condemning them as false and evil without a solid truth or good to base this claim. This in no way means I'm ready to step into oncoming traffic, or let the idea of reality slip from the realm of possibility, on the contrary it's 50/50 anyway you look at it. The wound has congealed.
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.	[Jul. 21st, 2008\|09:28 pm]
I bet you a dollar you read this.
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I answered my cellphone this morning	[Jul. 11th, 2008\|06:52 am]
No one was calling, but the alarm buzzed in my ears.
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incase you missed it.	[Jul. 1st, 2008\|02:57 am]
Here's a bit of it:
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